this may be because the people i was writing for are now all around me, and given that i am surrounded by family and friends with whom i can share my every interesting tale in person, there doesn't seem to be so much point in doing it through the medium of the blog.
or it may be just because i recognise that the interesting tales weaving around me here are less interesting than the ones from my travels, to the average outsider.
but, nonetheless, i received some sad news this morning, and the urge to put everything down in words just came flooding back to me. i'm not sure exactly why that is. i think, perhaps, it is because the truth of the matter is that however mundane or dull your everyday tales may seem to the 'average outsider' they are still vital, and important, and what makes you, you, so it seems only right that i record them in my blog just as i record the more 'entertaining' excerpts. or, it may just be because online it is sometimes easier to empty out your heart, when that heart is full of sadness, than it is to do face to face.
i lost someone very close to me today.
apparently she has enjoyed reading these blogs over the past few months, so there is some part of me that feels it is appropriate to write about her here. a truly amazing lady, she was always a tower of strength, and even in her final days she kept on fighting to the end. strong to the last. and fighting to the last. she is a woman who would argue white is black until the cows come home (she is one of the few people i know who would stand by her position in an argument even longer than me, and i've got a degree in philosophy so i'm pretty much a professional when it comes to debating!). and i'm sure she would be pleased to know that she proved everyone wrong, living much longer than any of the doctors or nurses would have predicted. though this may sound strange, the way i see it, by holding out so long it is almost like she has had the last word in this final argument, and she liked to have the last word.
i learned so much from her while i was growing up- how to cheat at 'rummikubs', the joy of the mini-magnum, that if you bribe a child to go to bed with the promise of a gift in the morning, they will not bother you all night (yes i was the child, but still a valuable lesson learned!), that 'egg in a nest' is the most delicious dinner ever, that the phrase "so, tell me..." can be the precursor to any manner of inquisition, why it is best to make lunch-box sandwiches out of frozen bread, and that a dark green carpet requires daily hoovering. but amongst some of the more important things i learned from her, is to have strength in my beliefs, and conviction in my arguments. for as long as I can remember i have liked nothing better than a 'heated debate' as Mrs Merton would say (other than coming out triumphant from a 'heated debate') , and over many a dinner table at her house, over many a year, i have picked up and learned the correct rules of engagement if one wants to enter into any kind of political, philosophical or metaphysical discussion. and that "i read it in my paper" is a fail-safe line if your arguments are beginning to look a little faltering!
i also learned from her about manners, and etiquette, and why it is so important to 'do the right thing'. i have grown up in an age where manners are so often foresaken for efficiency and self-centredness, and yet she taught that being polite and respectful to those around us is vital to making the world a happy, harmonius place for us to co-exist.
similar, but not the same, she also taught me to be interested in those around me. it is easy to get caught up in your own self-importance, but a lot of the time the people that we move past in our day to day, there but essentially invisible to us, can have stories to tell that can deepen our understanding or appreciation of life, they can brighten our day, or sometimes they can even become friends.
and finally i learned from her about the importance of family relationships. she may not have got it exactly right every step of the way, but i do think she learned from her mistakes, as have i, and in the end her genuine love for her family shone through. and in the end, love is the only thing that is really important.
i am partly the person i am today as a consequence of all the time i have spent with her, and of all these things that she taught me, and i have always tried to live my life and interact with those around me in a way that would make her proud.
she was the glue that held us together, the spark of enthusiasm that kept family traditions going, and the matriarch figure for us all to revolve around, like little planets round the sun. i really don't know what we will do without her. she will be missed massively, and i think it will take a while for us all to get back on our correct paths and orbits without her around. but i do know that she will always be remembered with massive fondness, and she will live on through the people that she touched and who learned from her.
through the many future thank you letters that i will write, through the many future arguments where i stand my ground, through the many times that i start a future conversation with "so tell me..." and through the way that i care for and respect my loved ones, i will remember her. i hope to continue to make her proud.
